Many of my readers (if I have any!) probably know that I am in my first year as a school librarian. I am still at Pearl C. Anderson, the middle school where I taught 6th grade language arts for two years after leaving Central Dallas Ministries where I worked at the After School Academy for two years...two years after I graduated from LCU...hmm, are we seeing a pattern? Anyways, kids come in all the time and ask, "Ms. Embry, why are you not a teacher anymore?" This, my friends, is a question I don't quite know how to answer. Looking back, I'm not even quite sure how this all came about. Basically, I had started graduate work at Texas A&M-Commerce in the fall of 2007. I initially began pursuing a Master's of Education in Reading. I was enjoying my coursework, but as I began to think more about my long-term goals in getting a Master's, I realized that I had chosen something that would perhaps make me a more effective classroom teacher in the present, but wouldn't really give me any options should I ever decide to leave the classroom. I began to think about what other jobs in the realm of education I could potentially be interested in. Counseling-negative. Administration-double, no, make that triple negative. Library-hmmm, not exactly a negative! I mean I loved the library growing up. I love the library now! I love reading. I love for kids to read. And after a very draining year of being Language Arts department chair at my school, taking a full load of graduate classes, and doing a daily after school program for my students, something a little less stressful was very appealing. Conveniently around that time, our school librarian retired and I happened to inform my principal that I was thinking of changing my Master's program to library science. Before I knew it, the ball was rolling and suddenly I found myself at the beginning of the 08-09 school year on the third floor in the media center!
Shortly after my move, Dallas ISD revealed their multi-million dollar financial problems and the whole chaotic catastrophe known as the RIF (reduction in force) went down. I didn't know whether to feel safe (since teachers were mainly the ones being laid off) or nervous (I'm not yet fully certified as a librarian). Well, I never received a pink slip, so it may have been a well-timed transition after all.
Life as a librarian has been much different than as a classroom teacher..there are some definite perks. Although it is MUCH more than just shelving books as many people seem to think, it is definitely not as stressful as teaching. Don't get me wrong...I have PLENTY of work to keep me occupied, but it's different in that if I don't finish something I'm working on or if I'm behind on some things, I can put it aside and leave it until the next day and feel okay about it. It's not a job that I bring home with me, which was never the case with teaching. My schedule is also much more flexible and I have the freedom to be more creative and try new ideas and projects without the restraints of following closely to a rigid curriculum. Furthermore, people forget I'm here...which can sometimes be a good thing! I've had theopportunity to research and work toward some other goals or ideas I've had but didn't have the time to pursue as a teacher. I can just do my thing and run with it and I don't have a lot of hoops to jump through (well, most of the time. I'm going to tell you about my grant-writing experience in another post). I still get to teach, but I do one lesson plan every two weeks instead of daily. There's no grading...no parent calls...no office referrals...yeah, it's sounding pretty "cushy" isn't it!
However, despite these benefits, I've been feeling just a little bit lost lately. It's not that I dislike being the librarian, but I miss the relationships I had with the students when I was their teacher and saw them on a day-t0-day basis. I miss the "love-hate" relationships, the struggle, and the successes of watching a kid grow before your eyes over the span of a school year. Yes, I still see students in the library, but they usually only come every two weeks or so for one class period. I have my girls' book club (you'll be hearing more about this in future posts!) and my after school group, and that keeps me more closely connected to students, but the majority of these group members are actually my former sixth grade students. They have joined my book clubs because of their prior relationship with me as a student in my classroom. I also have relationships with students who used to be in the After School Academy in Turner Courts and that I have known for three or four years before they ever got to Pearl C. However...with the demolition of Turner Courts and the consequent transfer of most of those students, as well as the fact that many of my former students will be moving on to high school next year...I'm wondering how I'll feel as a librarian when I no longer know any of the kids' names, much less who they are as individuals. Right now, I'm thriving off of relationships built in other settings, but no new relationships are being built to take their place.
We lost a seventh grade student this past week to suicide. It hit me hard, not only because it's tragic to lose a child in such a horrible way, but because although I knew of this girl and saw her every day...I hadn't had the opportunity to really get to know her. I realized that this year, I had stopped seeing the kids as individuals and began thinking of them a just one big mass group of "students." Everything I do is for the "students"...but I'm losing that personal connection to them. They're not "my" students anymore...they're just "students".
One of the reasons I came to Pearl C. after I left Central Dallas was because I still wanted to be in this community. I had built relationships, made connections, and watched kids grow here and I wanted to continue to be a part of that growth. But suddenly, Turner Courts is no more (at least not for five more years or so). The After School Academy is no more (at least not as I knew it). All those kids have scattered across the Metroplex. I'm still here, but suddenly, I'm not sure why. I've lost my place, a sense of my purpose here...and it's made me realize how much relationships are a part of our purpose. I've been struggling a bit trying to carve out a new "niche" and struggling to know how to reclaim that sense of motivation that once drove me.
So...here I am. I'm not sure what all of these realizations mean or where to go with them. Yes, life as a librarian is less stressful in many ways, but is that what really matters to me? On the other hand, it affords me the freedom and flexibility to dream up and create programs and opportunities for our kids that no one else in the school has the time to think about or implement. At the same time, have I grown too comfortable? What happened to the sense of adventure and challenge that I used to crave? It's very easy to become "comfortable" hidden away up here in the media center with no real expectations placed on me other than the ones I place on myself. I used to thrive on putting myself in "sink or swim" situations....challenging situations that forced me to live life with determination. I wouldn't say the transition to the library has been one of those times. So what does this all mean? I'm not sure. It's a lot to consider. (Besides the buying a house decision...that's coming in another post as well!) To most of the people around me, it seems like an easy decision. They covet a position like mine. But I never wanted an easy life. I just wanted a life that makes a difference. So is this the best place for me to do that? I'm not quite sure yet...but in the meantime, I'm trying to make the most of my life as a librarian for now!
Ahh, off to check in six new books of brand new books that I got to pick out myself...now that was fun! Maybe this gig isn't too bad after all! :-)
Shortly after my move, Dallas ISD revealed their multi-million dollar financial problems and the whole chaotic catastrophe known as the RIF (reduction in force) went down. I didn't know whether to feel safe (since teachers were mainly the ones being laid off) or nervous (I'm not yet fully certified as a librarian). Well, I never received a pink slip, so it may have been a well-timed transition after all.
Life as a librarian has been much different than as a classroom teacher..there are some definite perks. Although it is MUCH more than just shelving books as many people seem to think, it is definitely not as stressful as teaching. Don't get me wrong...I have PLENTY of work to keep me occupied, but it's different in that if I don't finish something I'm working on or if I'm behind on some things, I can put it aside and leave it until the next day and feel okay about it. It's not a job that I bring home with me, which was never the case with teaching. My schedule is also much more flexible and I have the freedom to be more creative and try new ideas and projects without the restraints of following closely to a rigid curriculum. Furthermore, people forget I'm here...which can sometimes be a good thing! I've had theopportunity to research and work toward some other goals or ideas I've had but didn't have the time to pursue as a teacher. I can just do my thing and run with it and I don't have a lot of hoops to jump through (well, most of the time. I'm going to tell you about my grant-writing experience in another post). I still get to teach, but I do one lesson plan every two weeks instead of daily. There's no grading...no parent calls...no office referrals...yeah, it's sounding pretty "cushy" isn't it!
However, despite these benefits, I've been feeling just a little bit lost lately. It's not that I dislike being the librarian, but I miss the relationships I had with the students when I was their teacher and saw them on a day-t0-day basis. I miss the "love-hate" relationships, the struggle, and the successes of watching a kid grow before your eyes over the span of a school year. Yes, I still see students in the library, but they usually only come every two weeks or so for one class period. I have my girls' book club (you'll be hearing more about this in future posts!) and my after school group, and that keeps me more closely connected to students, but the majority of these group members are actually my former sixth grade students. They have joined my book clubs because of their prior relationship with me as a student in my classroom. I also have relationships with students who used to be in the After School Academy in Turner Courts and that I have known for three or four years before they ever got to Pearl C. However...with the demolition of Turner Courts and the consequent transfer of most of those students, as well as the fact that many of my former students will be moving on to high school next year...I'm wondering how I'll feel as a librarian when I no longer know any of the kids' names, much less who they are as individuals. Right now, I'm thriving off of relationships built in other settings, but no new relationships are being built to take their place.
We lost a seventh grade student this past week to suicide. It hit me hard, not only because it's tragic to lose a child in such a horrible way, but because although I knew of this girl and saw her every day...I hadn't had the opportunity to really get to know her. I realized that this year, I had stopped seeing the kids as individuals and began thinking of them a just one big mass group of "students." Everything I do is for the "students"...but I'm losing that personal connection to them. They're not "my" students anymore...they're just "students".
One of the reasons I came to Pearl C. after I left Central Dallas was because I still wanted to be in this community. I had built relationships, made connections, and watched kids grow here and I wanted to continue to be a part of that growth. But suddenly, Turner Courts is no more (at least not for five more years or so). The After School Academy is no more (at least not as I knew it). All those kids have scattered across the Metroplex. I'm still here, but suddenly, I'm not sure why. I've lost my place, a sense of my purpose here...and it's made me realize how much relationships are a part of our purpose. I've been struggling a bit trying to carve out a new "niche" and struggling to know how to reclaim that sense of motivation that once drove me.
So...here I am. I'm not sure what all of these realizations mean or where to go with them. Yes, life as a librarian is less stressful in many ways, but is that what really matters to me? On the other hand, it affords me the freedom and flexibility to dream up and create programs and opportunities for our kids that no one else in the school has the time to think about or implement. At the same time, have I grown too comfortable? What happened to the sense of adventure and challenge that I used to crave? It's very easy to become "comfortable" hidden away up here in the media center with no real expectations placed on me other than the ones I place on myself. I used to thrive on putting myself in "sink or swim" situations....challenging situations that forced me to live life with determination. I wouldn't say the transition to the library has been one of those times. So what does this all mean? I'm not sure. It's a lot to consider. (Besides the buying a house decision...that's coming in another post as well!) To most of the people around me, it seems like an easy decision. They covet a position like mine. But I never wanted an easy life. I just wanted a life that makes a difference. So is this the best place for me to do that? I'm not quite sure yet...but in the meantime, I'm trying to make the most of my life as a librarian for now!
Ahh, off to check in six new books of brand new books that I got to pick out myself...now that was fun! Maybe this gig isn't too bad after all! :-)
very nice post
ReplyDeleteI didn't know about this blog! Now I will be a faithful reader. Maybe you should just look at the library job as a helpful transition place while you complete your degree. It's okay to have a break sometimes and maybe God is giving you space and time so he can speak to you and show you where to go next. Sometimes it's hard to hear what God is trying to tell us to do next when we are blasting 190 mph ahead all the time. It was good to see you on Saturday!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I found out about your blog, Rachel! I am looking forward to learning more about your librarianship as I am planning on going that course as well. I hope that you continue to connect with your students even as a librarian; I know you must do some awesome things with them! I am encouraged by you :)
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