Something that Matters

I feel like I'm having the proverbial midlife-crisis. Only I've been having it for about 6 or 7 years now. Maybe longer. It may have started back when I was about 17 or 18 and people began asking me what I wanted to do with my life. It seems like I've never known without a shadow of a doubt what it is that I want to do or what I'm even good at doing. All I've ever known is that whatever I do, I want it to matter. I want to make a difference, somehow, someway. There was a period of time here in Dallas that I thought I was really starting to solidify in my mind how I was going to do that, but in recent months (or maybe recent years) I've kind of been struggling. I've been struggling to figure out what it is that I care most about, what I'm most passionate about. I've been struggling to identify what I'm good at, what my strengths are. Basically, I've just been struggling to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing on this earth. For almost a decade, I've been involved in education in some form or fashion, yet it seems like I've never quite found my "niche". To be honest, I've never really felt like I'm a "good" teacher when it comes right down to it. Teaching is an art form. It takes a real talent and I am being very honest when I admit that I don't really have it. I don't have the patience nor the creativity to be a really, really good teacher. Although my move into the library has allowed me the time and freedom to pursue some other things, I can definitely say that this job does not inspire any passion in me whatsoever. Looking back over the past several years, I think the most fulfulling job I had was during my time at the after school program. That was a time when I felt excited about my job, excited about what we were doing. Yet the world of nonprofit can be very unstable and very frustrating. And although making huge amounts of money has never been a priority for me, I do want to be able to make a salary that I can support myself comfortably on and not have to watch every penny every minute of every day. So where does that leave me?? It leaves me looking around the world I live in...seeing sweet girls I taught in sixth grade just 3 or 4 years ago having babies. Seeing boys that were just drawing me cartoon pictures and playing basketball with me on the blacktop dropping out of school and walking around with probation bracelets on their ankles. Tutoring kids who are in 5th grade and still don't know that two nickels make a dime (true story from yesterday). It leaves me working in a district where we put more time into creating an illusion that we are working for kids than we do actually working for kids. All of this disturbs me, but what do I do? What can I do? I'm stumped! I don't know what to do!! I don't know that I can make a meaningful difference in all this by teaching...I'm not sure I have that gift. I definitely don't know that I can make a meaningful difference by being a librarian....I feel more squelched than I ever have in my life right now...just checking off days, passing time right now. I'm about to finish up my second master's degree...I will have three degrees, none of which excite me or are really useful to me in getting me any closer to do something that I will feel inspired about doing. Every day...every night...my mind is constantly turning...searching....mulling...asking "What am I supposed to be doing? Where is my niche? Where is the place that I can really make a real, tangible difference? Where is the place that I can do something that really matters, that I can really be proud of when I look back over my life?"

Every now and then you meet people who are just confident about their career choices. They know with certainty what their life's mission is and they pursue it single-mindedly. I want that certainty! I want to know for certain that I am doing the thing I was born to do. That way I can stop spending all this time searching and put that energy into making the difference that I seek. But nothing has ever felt just quite right...is it me? Or is it that I truly haven't quite discovered my purpose? I mean, I do know what my purpose is...all Christians know what the purpose is. I guess I just need to know my particular avenue, my unique means to that end.

I know we can all make a difference right where we are at. I get that. I'm thankful for my jobs and the opportunities that I do have. But we only get to live this life one time. We only get a short period of time here....I want to love what I'm doing every day while I'm here. I want every day here to really, really matter. I don't just want to fill a space, but to make an impact! I don't just want to be busy...I want the busy-ness to be building something! I don't want just to live, but to be alive! People who know their purpose come alive. I'm just existing right now.

So yeah, I'm having a crisis. As usual. I know this is nothing anyone can help me with except by prayer. But I do pray that I come to know and understand what my strengths and gifts are and to know the specific purpose I was put on this earth and the best way and the best place to live all of that out...so that whenever I do leave this earth, it mattered. Is that too much to ask??