The "Giving Spirit"

I haven't blogged in forever because I forgot how to log-in.  But today I went through the hoops with Google and here I am!  Usually when I'm inspired to write a blog something on my mind is bothering me or has disturbed me somehow and I want to try to process it in words.  Other times it may be an "aha!" moment that I likewise want to further internalize by crafting a thought or idea into words.  Today is more of the former.

As colder weather moves in and the holiday approaches, people are supposedly more in the "giving
 spirit.  We also may be more acutely aware of the plight of those around us who are without homes or shelter when the temperatures plunge.  Living in this city, there is not a day that goes by that I do not pass or encounter people on corners or at gas stations with signs asking for help.  There are many attitudes, opinions, and approaches for how people respond to such encounters and I think I'm still trying to figure out what mine is.  However, something I heard on the radio yesterday really rubbed me the wrong way.  A prominent morning show team was discussing how one of its members had been "offended" by a homeless person the day before.  This radio personality had been with her young family members and they saw a man asking for food.  She stated that she wanted to teach the kids about being "giving" and "generous" and so they had gone to a fast food restaurant to purchase a hot dog, fries, and drink for the man.  When they returned to give him the food, he told them that he did not eat pork.  The radio host thought this was very offensive and said she had to refrain from "going off" on him.  The morning show team proceeded to laugh and joke about the ungratefulness of the homeless man and pass judgement on how he couldn't have really been hungry if he were refusing their "kindness" and food.  The radio host was very indignant and disparaging toward the man who had the audacity to refuse her great act of "kindness" and charity.

The condescending, judgmental, self-righteous tone of the whole segment really bothered me for some reason and caused me to take a moment of self-reflection about my own attitudes towards our homeless neighbors.  There was something so dehumanizing about the whole thing. It implied that just because someone is homeless they have lost all rights to any kind of choice in the matter of what they eat or receive in the name of "charity" or "giving".  I have a home, therefore I am entitled to have a choice on whether I eat pork or not, whether I feel like McDonald's or Chipotle, or whether I can pick the jalepenos off my pizza.  You are homeless, therefore you better accept with gratitude and graciousness whatever I in my huge act of generosity and benevolence have decided to get you.  Never mind that there might be a medical or personal reason you don't eat pork.  See, this type of giving is more about "us" than "them".  We want to feel good about ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for being so compassionate and kind and giving.  But the thing is, either we should either give for the sake of giving or not at all.  Just because we may be better off financially doesn't mean we are better than them or that we get to decide how they live their lives, what they should eat, or what they should be willing to accept.  They are still human beings just like us.  Let's not demean them or dehumanize them by acting pompous and self-righteous and offended that they didn't kiss our feet in gratitude for our act of "kindness" that was actually selfishly-motivated in the first place.  If it were really done out of concern or a Christ-like compassion for the person, perhaps they would have had a conversation with the man first.  Treated him like a person.  Asked him what he might like to eat. Respected the fact that as a human being he may still have likes and dislikes and preferences even if he doesn't have a house, job, or car. Allowed him a tiny shred of dignity in the matter. The poor may not have wealth, but they still deserve dignity.  It’s time to think about not only what we give and how we give it, but also why we give it. Just because it makes us feel better doesn’t mean it’s the best for those in need.If our giving is conditional, then it's better to not give at all.  I don't know what choices the man had made in his life to end up on a street asking for food but that's not my business or doesn't determine my treatment of him.  He's not less than me no matter how different our paths or situations may have been.

And one more thing. Our giving should not be contingent on whether people are grateful and appreciative or not. God blesses ungrateful people including me every day. Where would I be if He stopped giving to me every time I acted ungrateful? True, maybe the man was ungrateful. But that's not up to us to determine and should not be a criterion for showing true concern or genuine compassion. Real compassion doesn't care about a "thank you."

As we go into this season of giving, I challenge all of us to take a closer look at our motives and our hearts and really think about WHY we are giving.  Is it so we can feel better about ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for being such good, kind, thoughtful people?  So we can check off our good deed box on the checklist and feel all warm and fuzzy as we disappear back into our privileged lives?  So others can applaud us for our acts of charity?  Let's make sure our giving is unconditional and untainted by selfishness, judgment, disrespect, and entitlement.  Let's make sure we never reduce people to just the object of our charitable acts but take time to see them as living, breathing humans with feelings, likes, dislikes, dignity, and self-respect just like us.  I'd rather not give at all than make another person feel less than human or small in the process.

Trust Lessons

2013 has been a tough year for me in many ways.  There have been a lot of personal struggles, changes, and uncertainties that have definitely made this year a painful one but one hopefully of much growth eventually (although sometimes it's hard to see or feel the growth to be honest).  When I look back over everything that has happened this year, it all just comes back to this: do I really trust God?  I mean, really, really trust Him? If 2013 has been about anything at all, I think it's been about God teaching me to truly trust Him and wait on Him to work things together for good in His own way, His own time, and according to His own plan.

On Sunday morning and again last night at Bible study, the preacher has been teaching from Exodus 14-15. This has caused me to go back and re-read the chapters leading up to the Israelites' deliverance from bondage in Egypt and also those following the amazing thing that God did at the Red Sea.  Last night I continued reading into Exodus 16 and although we've read these accounts many times, I don't think it had struck me before just how soon the Israelites lost faith in God.  Just 3 days after they saw Him make a way out of no way...just 3 days after they were trapped by the most powerful army in the civilized world closing in behind them and a gigantic body of water in front of them....just 3 days after they saw that body of water open up and allow them to cross on dry land...just 3 days after witnessing God's unmatchable power... they were thirsty and complaining about a lack of water and back to lacking faith that God would provide.  Just a month later, they were filled with doubt again, complaining and thinking that God was going to leave them to die in the wilderness.  It's easy for us to sit here and think, "What is wrong with these people?? They were privileged to see the power of God in completely miraculous and supernatural ways and they still doubted him??"  Yet one thing that I have realized about myself this year is that many times what God has done for me is just as amazing but my faith isn't much better at times.  God never stopped making provision for the Israelites yet the first moment that a little adversity came their way, they were ready to moan and worry and think that God had forgotten them...they were quick to lose confidence that God was still a good God.  Too many times I'm the same way...God has provided for me all my life...He has never not made a way for me....so why would He stop now?  Why would this time be different?  The past couple of weeks I have been feeling extra blessed...things have fallen into place, situations have been worked out and resolved, and many prayers have been visibly answered in several areas of my life.  So right now it is easy for me to be in awe of God's goodness and praise Him like the Israelites did in Exodus 15.  But our human tendency seems to be to quickly forget these kinds of seasons and in a few days or next month when life throws a crisis or difficulty in our path, we are right back to worrying, being anxious, feeling afraid that this time might be the time it doesn't work out, that this time might be the time that God doesn't come through.  Why do I do that?  Why do I doubt that God has a plan in everything? He has PROMISED to work everything together for good...so why do I think I'm going to be the first person in the history of mankind that He is going to break a promise to?

I saw a quote the other day that said:

We say, 'Show me and I'll trust you.'  God says, 'Trust me and I'll show you.'

When I think back over the past year, I think that's pretty much what it boils down to.  It's just been trust lessons.  It's just been about me learning to trust Him even when I can't see at all what He is up to.  Even when I'm in the desert and I'm tired, hungry, and thirsty and can't see any way at all that I'm going to eat, so to speak...I have to remember that He has ALWAYS provided for me.  Always.  So this time is not going to be any different.  He is not going to stop being Jehovah Jirah.  He is not going to be good to everybody but me, He is not going to leave me out.  Our preacher likes to say, "I just know too much about Him to ever fear or ever doubt Him."  I don't know why I always try to make God give me the proof before I'll trust Him...He has already given all the proof I will ever need a thousand times over.  Now it's just time for me to really, truly, wholeheartedly believe He is who He says He is and remember that what He has done He can and will do again.

"Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise."

- Hebrews 10:23-

It Takes a Village Freestyle

A friend of mine (T.A.) wrote this freestyle and I wanted to share! 

"They say it takes a village to raise a child, but what if those who apart of that village are broken themselves
What if its only false hope that they're holding themselves
How can something damaged or unsure show the fresh minds that are pure
How to be whatever it is in their dreams they see,
How can the villagers hold them up, when it seems that someone let them down once before,
How can they ask them to fly, when they themselves have never soared,
How can some not relate, but act as if the advice that they give is great,
How can those we teach have faith when they look in the villagers face and feel so misplaced,
How can we say we will do everything in our will to protect them and yet when we leave the village they are not safe,
Why is it we are losing this battle at a rapid rate,
They say "well if I saved one child my job is done"
I say "I want to save them all" so the real victory has yet to be won,
How can one person in the village sleep at all,
Since I am also a part of the village I have no room to speak at all,
Cause if the foundation isn't laid correctly it will be weak and fall,
So when one child is left behind,
Its every villager's fault that they cannot see a good future, we have left them blind,
So why would I confine myself to just my title,
I want each and every child to make it out the village, I'll go beyond my call of duty for their arrival,
How did we get to this point of our children being so angry and some growing up so fast,
How can we tell them to be "just kids" when they wear so many masks,
They have seen more hurt through their young eyes than a child should,
Just be that "kid"..I wish every child could,
We need a village of people who should focus less on the 'he said she said' and the gossip it brings,
A town where it isn't  about us but the kids, the important things,
So the village that is raising...educating our babies is capable to correct these wrongs,
But it seems to be a melody on repeat that keeps singing the same song,
So I pray I can save as many as I come across and see,
Because at one point the kid(s) I'm trying to save was once me....."

Thankful #3

This week I met up with some of my old co-workers from my old school and it just reconfirmed how truly thankful and appreciative I am of the door that was opened to me to be able to transfer to the school I now work at.  My new school and administrators have just been such a refreshing change as I've stated before and I truly do not have a single complaint about my new situation.  I am thankful to have a job I enjoy, I am thankful that it is in a pleasant environment, and I am thankful to be appreciated here!  After almost completely losing all hope and sense of purpose and passion, I have had the chance to be re-invigorated at just the right time and place!  I am thankful I don't have to be miserable at the place I spend a good portion of my life....I am thankful that I now answer to a supervisor who genuinely cares about these kids and about her staff.  I am thankful to feel supported and to be allowed to make a difference.  I know teacher morale is at an all-time low across the district this year...so I feel extra lucky to be one of the very, very few who actually is ecstatic about her job right now!  :) 

Thankful #2

Tonight I am thankful for Romans 8:28.  I am thankful that God works ALL things together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.  One good thing about getting older is that you have more years to look back over and realize all the ways that God has worked things out.  All the worries, all the disappointments, all the times of uncertainty...all woven together in a way you might never have imagined or planned but that ultimately you can't help being thankful for.  I don't know why I still struggle sometimes with having faith in certain situations when He has proven a million times over not just in my life but in the lives of so many around me that the above verse/promise is more than true.  Even when my faith is weak and even when I'm not living according to His purpose as I should, it seems He continues to "have my back" and continues to take such good care of me!  It is comforting to know that no matter how badly I may mess things up at times that there is no mess that He can't turn into something good.  So yeah...just really, really, thankful for that hope and assurance that we have to cling to in this roller coaster called life!!

Thankful #1

On Halloween night I was in Target trying to get a last-minute costume for Dezeray's little brother but the Halloween department was pretty much decimated.  Already, the orange and black stuff was being cleared out and workers were busily stocking Christmas items.  Christmas?!?! Wait!  Isn't there another holiday in there somewhere?  Thanksgiving, remember that?  Kinda sad that society wants to skip from one "gimme" holiday to another....first it's "gimme gimme candy" and then it's "gimme gimme presents"...but we kinda just skim over the holiday that's all about saying thank you for what we have instead of asking for more. However, I know there are many people who love Thanksgiving, who love the fact that our entire country sets aside a time just to be thankful and grateful for how good God has been to us.  I have seen several people on Facebook and blogs commit to sharing something every day in November that they are thankful for and I think that's a great idea.  I don't know that I can promise to post every day but I am going to try to make an effort to share some of the things I am personally appreciative of during this season of giving thanks.  The things I share may not be that creative or unusual but they are things that I am eternally grateful for regardless.

It is not a surprise that one of the things I am most thankful for is my family.  The older I get and the more of the world I see and experience, the more I admire and appreciate my family.  I was so fortunate and so blessed to grow up with all my grandparents close by and parents who were faithful and committed to each other.  My brothers and I had a very stable and healthy home environment and we never lacked anything we needed. My dad was a great provider and he and my mom knew just the right balance of allowing us to be kids while teaching us the value of hard work and responsibility and most of all the importance of putting God first above all else.  They knew just how to help us transition into being self-sufficient adults while still providing us the support and guidance we needed.  My dad is such a great example of honesty and integrity and character in every way while my mom exemplifies generosity, thoughtfulness, and servanthood.  My grandparents are all loving, generous, gentle, kind-hearted, God-fearing people.  I have the most awesome aunt, uncles, and cousins.  And of course there are my two brothers who I love to death...and the sister-in-law, niece, and nephews that one of them brought into our family who have just added so much joy to all our lives. Everyone in my family has such a good, kind, generous spirit...I just love that I am surrounded by people I can look up to, respect, and learn from. I know everyone thinks their family is the best but I just really do think I have an especially great one and I could never thank God enough for choosing them for me!! 

Getting My Groove Back

As I type this my body feels completely exhausted of all energy, yet it is the good kind of exhaustion...the kind where you have given your best and at the end of the day can reflect that there's not much more you could have done in that 15-16 hour time frame to make a difference. Such are my days since I have started my new job as an elementary librarian....they are busy, fast-paced, demanding, and action-packed but I find myself loving every second! Every now and then the grass IS greener on the other side! This has been such a refreshing change in my life and now that the first six weeks are almost gone, I really find myself settling into my "groove." My creative juices are flowing again, my excitement for what I do is back after a long hiatus. For four years I thought I didn't like being a librarian...why didn't I switch to elementary years ago?? It is so FUN!! I am bursting with ideas and plans and projects to make this library a truly wonderful place for kids to visit and the best part is...I feel supported! My administrators let me actually be a librarian! It makes a world of difference when your hard work is appreciated and received warmly by your peers and colleagues as well as kids...and I must add that my principal is just awesome. She has revived my hope for education again. I am just so thankful that this door was opened to me...I needed this and I do believe they needed me. Word on the street is that they have had a series of terrible librarians. It is amazing how much that feeling of being where you are supposed to be can energize a person. I used to go to the Boys and Girls Club for my after school tutoring job and have to force myself to go through the motions with the kids. Now, even though I've had a much more tiring day at school, it's like I can find the energy and a second wind to enjoy those kids too and give them the attention they deserve. So in short...I LOVE MY JOB! :) Life is just really good right now...I am enjoying what I do again, I'm finally really getting to know people and get more involved at church, I'm going to be blessed with a wonderful living situation in a couple of months (I have the opportunity to purchase a beautiful, brand-spanking new townhouse for a very affordable price---so excited!), my favorite time of year with absolutely awesome weather has arrived...what more could a girl want or need? God truly gives us more than we can ask or think. I know my blog posting is sporadic but I just wanted to share a positive update!

Our Future??

Well, Duh!

Texas’ standardized tests a poor measure of what students learned, UT-Austin professor says

Um, they really didn't need an expensive study for this discovery to be made!  Teachers in schools have been saying this for years!!!  

Summer 2012

Who Said There's Not Money in Education?

Apparently I've been on the wrong career path...instead of collecting all of these master's degrees to become a better teacher and educator, I should be trying to become superintendent! Dallas ISD just hired a new superintendent and I've been reading the news stories that outline the details of his contract. This guy just came from a district in Colorado Springs of 11,000 students. He is coming to Dallas which is home to 157,000 students. His starting salary is going to be $300,000 per year. If he stays 5 years, that will be bumped up to $350,000 a year. His official start date is July 1, but he is already unofficially on the job and the district is paying him $1000 per day until his contract begins. He is also getting $10,000 to cover moving expenses (as if he can't afford to pay his own moving expenses making $30,000 per month), $2100 a month to cover renting an apartment until he can get fully moved, and even gets a car and phone allowance every month (once again, what is the $30,000 a month for if you can't pay your own rent, car, and phone bill?). On top of all of this, the guy can get two bonuses a year...$75,000 for meeting performance goals (whatever those are) and $125,000 if the district meets student achievement goals. Meanwhile, the district has done away with performance pay for teachers next year...but the superintendent still gets paid for student achievement? Wait a minute...aren't TEACHERS the ones who are most directly involved with student achievement? Aren't TEACHERS the ones who are coming in early and staying late tutoring kids, developing new interventions, figuring out ways to help struggling students, meeting with parents, delivering instruction, and coming out of our own pockets to buy the supplies and resources we need?? But Mr. Miles is going to be the one to reap the rewards for all of that? There are no bonuses for teachers, the ones in the trenches. We haven't even had a raise in 4 years. The reward for getting my master's degree? A whopping $30 increase on my monthly pay check. Last year, teachers didn't even get their step increase, much less a percentage raise. But this guy can walk in the door with the chance to make almost half a million dollars a year. The superintendent of NYC schools (with 1.1 million students) only makes $211,000 a year! I don't even know what a superintendent does. WHAT DOES HE DO?? I've worked in this district for almost 7 years and really don't even know what the superintendent does that is worth being paid that much every year. His job can't be harder than what your average classroom teachers deals with on a daily basis. I don't care what anyone says...classroom teaching in an urban district like Dallas is one of the hardest jobs there is. There is no amount of money that could adequately compensate for some of the things classroom teachers have to deal with every day. Yet we can't even get a 1 or 2 percent raise while they are extending our workday by another 45 minutes, but suddenly we can find the money to make this guy the highest paid public school administrator in the nation. (Even the NYC superintendent who oversees a district of 1.1 million students only makes $211,000 per year!). This is just leaving a pretty sour taste in my mouth and it's going to be hard to respect a leader who is more than willing to take such a large piece of a meager pie without doing a darn thing to earn it yet. If he came to my school and taught in one of these classes for one day....just one...and dealt with some of the things we face every day, then maybe, just maybe, he may have earned it. But as long as he's sitting in a plush office looking important and signing a bunch of paperwork and driving around in a Benz to act like he knows what to do to fix education....I can't respect it. There is plenty of money in education after all...you just have to be in the right place. And that place is most definitely NOT the classroom.

Library: Do Not Enter!

You would think that there is a sign on my library door that reads:

"Danger! Do Not Enter! All Who Enter Here Will Waste Time and Fail the STAAR Exam!"

My administrators have pretty much forbidden anyone from coming to the library this entire semester because they want everyone in the classrooms prepping for the upcoming STAAR test. Not just a week or two before the test, but the WHOLE semester!! Apparently, the library is not useful because I don't check out test prep packets to the kids. I actually provide real, authentic reading materials for the kids...oh, horrors! Something that doesn't contain multiple choice bubble answers?? Not allowed!! Despite the stacks of research that I provided to my principal regarding the impact of strong library programs on student achievement and despite the hours of professional development that reading/language arts teachers have participated in that emphasize the importance of students' having the freedom and choice to select reading materials that are on their level and of their interest to enhance reading comprehension, our school leaders are so test-obsessed that we can't do ANYTHING that doesn't have the name STAAR on it. It is so counterproductive and damaging to the kids that it is ridiculous....how can anybody with a doctorate in education not realize the importance of providing access to reading materials, research resources, and information literacy skills for this digital, information age that we live in? How can anyone who works in this print-poor community not realize the importance of kids having access to the books in this library? There is not a Barnes and Noble bookstore on the corner. There is not a public library within walking distance. Most homes don't invest in magazine subscriptions, newspaper subscriptions, or other print materials. What in the world could be wrong with allowing the teachers to invest 45 minutes every other week to bring their students to the library? I can guarantee you that the kids who sneak in here between classes or before school or during lunch to get books are going to be the highest scorers on the test anyway...why? Because they've been reading...really reading! Not boring themselves silly with test packets but really engaging in compelling, authentic, challenging texts. Unfortunately, only the most determined readers find time to make the trek to the abandoned third floor to visit the library....there are many other students who may not be as dedicated but still deserve the opportunity to have access to the materials and to be encouraged to read by the educators in this building. I just don't see visiting the library for 45 minutes twice a month is going to make anyone fail the STAAR test but apparently it is a waste of perfectly good instructional time (never mind that I do develop lessons and provide instruction to the classes when they come to the library) and we just can't have that!

It is a sad state of affairs when this is the kind of thinking and mindset that is leading our most challenged schools. What is best for kids has long since been tossed out the window and what's best for maintaining an illusion of "success" for the principal's image is now what we apparently work for.

Like one author eloquently titled a book...."Makes Me Want to Holler!!"

Teachers for Change: A Letter to the Parents

A well-written letter on behalf of teachers in Dallas ISD....

Teachers for Change: A Letter to the Parents: Dear Parents of Dallas ISD- I hope you do not believe some of the rhetoric.  I hope you know that the vast majority of teachers in Dallas I...

My Two Cents

This morning as I read the article about last night's school board meeting in the Dallas Morning News, I find myself with many unanswered questions and concerns about decisions that were finalized by our elected leaders. As most have heard, Dallas is planning to close 11 schools, including the one I have worked at for the past six years. They cite low enrollment and the need for more budget cuts as the reason for these closures. I understand that our district, along with districts across the state, are in crisis due to the severe cuts levied by the state last year and that difficult decisions have to be made. I just don't always understand the thought processes and rationales that go into them and I wonder who is actually doing the research that goes into these decisions.

For example, when I applied at Pearl C. Anderson, it was a large middle school that serviced eight feeder elementary schools. It was the only middle school in South Dallas. From Pearl C., students went on to either Madison or Lincoln. However, my first year here, the district opened Billy E. Dade (which had been an elementary school) as a middle school and split our enrollment. Now we only have four feeder elementary schools, as does Dade. Our enrollment has declined every year since. The low enrollment was compounded when the Dallas Housing Authority made the decision to demolish the Rhodes Terrace and Turner Courts housing projects in this area, which displaced hundreds of families to other parts of Dallas. This was about 3-4 years ago that the housing projects closed and were torn down. They were supposed to be rebuilt which means families would eventually return but so far I haven't seen any progress or heard any news about when that is going to actually begin. As a result, H.S. Thompson Elementary, Pearl.C, and Lincoln took big hits to enrollment, which meant we took big hits when it came to staff layoffs.

Now in 2012, we have only around 450 students enrolled at Pearl C., which is a building designed for 1100+. I've heard that H.S. Thompson has less than 200 students and it is a very large building as well. I'm not questioning the fact that some schools may need to be closed or consolidated to save money. However, I am particularly concerned about the middle school consolidation. As I understand it, Pearl C. students will be transferred to Dade. As I mentioned, Dade used to be an elementary school and is designed as such. Classrooms are small in size and they have numerous portables set up outside to accommodate the small enrollment that they have now. (Dade's enrollment is about the same as ours...400-500 students, if not less). There has been talk that the district is going to build a new school that will house Dade. Meanwhile, the bond work that was started on Pearl C. has been stopped. My question is that if we are trying to save money, how does it make sense to spend millions of dollars to build a brand new school building for Dade and transfer our kids over there, when realistically, they could just finish the renovations on Pearl C. and transfer Dade's kids back over here like it was set up originally. Pearl C. is an older building, but it is large and has been well-maintained and has more than enough room to house 800 students without setting up a hundred portables, as will be the case at Dade. I think with a few renovations (which were scheduled as part of the bond), it has several years of life left in it. Instead, they are going to spend millions building a new school building while this one sits vacant and further contributes to the property value decline and economic depression in this area. That just seems counterproductive to me. It seems it would be more logical to postpone the building of the new school for a few years until the economy and school funding stabilizes and in the meantime, use the larger middle school building (which is Pearl C.) to consolidate students. DUH!!!! But I guess they want to play fruit basket turnover with everyone in South Dallas yet again.

I also have concerns because the school board changed the policy on what will happen to teachers in these closed schools. In the past when schools closed or consolidated, the teachers at the schools that were closing often were automatically transferred along with the students. However, this time all teachers from the closed schools are just going to be released and will have to re-apply for jobs along with everyone else. This just seems like punishment to teachers who have been dedicated and committed to these schools for decades. The district is talking about laying off 400 more teachers next year, but it seems like it should be based on factors that are somewhat within the teacher's control, such as job performance, not school closure based on enrollment. It just seems like a human resources nightmare to try to figure all that out. Supposedly there is some kind of formula that is used when there is a reduction in force but it has always been very vague what that criteria is. It just seems like it is going to be real easy for experienced, highly-qualified teachers from closed schools to get lost in the excess pool along with teachers who are non-renewed for other reasons. It doesn't seem fair that they will lose their jobs while less-qualified teachers may get to keep theirs just because their school wasn't one that closed.

Then, I have concerns because I'm also looking down the road beyond just this year or next. What happens when DHA does rebuild the housing off of Bexar Street? There is already an initiative in place to revitalize that corridor. Really nice townhomes are being built and retail is being brought to that extremely depressed area. But what is closing schools in that neighborhood going to do to that effort? Where will families send their kids to school when housing is brought back? Sometimes I just don't feel DISD really does their research and makes informed decisions. I don't feel they stay in touch with what is going on in different communities and neighborhoods that impacts what happens with schools. I don't feel DISD values the input of their constituents AT ALL. They go through the motions of holding community meetings, etc. but their decisions have already been made. There was huge protest about the closings of these schools, but the decision went forth anyways. This makes parents and stakeholders feel disillusioned about the value of their input. They actually mobilized and made an effort to speak up, but their voices were squashed and people were escorted out of the meeting. What's the point of open meetings, community meetings, if what you have to say has absolutely no influence? No wonder no one in this area votes or participates in the political process. No one thinks they are valuable enough to matter.

Another decision that was made without ANY input from the people it affects was to increase the teacher work day by 45 minutes, effective immediately. Okay, first of all, teachers got NO input on this decision whatsoever, yet this will seriously affect many of us. Once again, I'm not saying there's not value in the proposal, but it's all about how you go about things. Teachers are feeling less and less valued all the time, and when you don't feel valued or respected, the quality of your work declines. So let me get this straight....we haven't had a raise in 4 years (or is it longer? I can't even remember) in Dallas. As a result, many of us have chosen to work part-time jobs to supplement income. Cost of living is going up but our pay is stagnant. Last year, they took away a planning period, added an instructional period, increased class sizes, and eliminated performance pay and stipends. The few shreds of time that anyone has without students is eaten up by meaningless meetings, paperwork, and other garbage that is designed to make it LOOK like we are really doing something for kids instead of actually doing something for kids. Teachers are already tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, and underpaid and now you want to extend the workday by another 45 minutes?? With no increase in pay for our time? While taking away stipends, performance pay, and anything that helped make all the time spent in this difficult profession halfway worth it? DISD is setting itself up for an all-out teacher rebellion if they are not careful. The district always fails to realize that sometimes the best solutions come from the people in the trenches. WE are the ones who understand what is really going on and what we really need. We might actually have solutions that make sense too, but we're never invited to the table. Never. We're forced to ride this nauseating roller coaster that is DISD with absolutely no voice and no value.

I know I don't know all the facts...but that leads me to my final point. DISD is absolutely horrible with communication. No one ever seems to know what is going on. There is an unknown "they" out there who seems to make all these decisions but no one knows who it is. Frequent communication, openness to REAL input and suggestions for solutions, and leaders who listen would go a long ways in how the employees in this district feel. Right now, they've got about 10,000 people who are about fed up. It's almost become just too much. Between what we have to deal with in the classrooms with the kids and with what we have to deal with from administration....the passion for educating kids is being drained quicker than Social Security.

I don't have all the answers by any means. But I just don't foresee some of these decisions being in the best interest of the people that they affect most...the teachers and students in one of the most underserved, underepresented, undereducated, and undervalued communities in Dallas.

So True

"...the reason for our existence on this planet is to establish a relationship with the Person who placed us here. Until that relationship is established, all of our attempts to attain happiness---our quests for recognition, for money, for power, for the perfect marriage, or the ideal marriage, for all that we spend our lives seeking---will always fall short, will never quite satisfy the longing, fill the void, quell the restlessness, or make us happy....God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."-- C.S. Lewis

Refreshed

Hello 2012!!! I must say that I am going into this new year feeling very optimistic, empowered, and refreshed after a surprisingly rejuvenating winter break. It's amazing what a real BREAK can do for you mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was able to go home to Farwell for a full week and although nothing was really out of the ordinary about this visit (other than the arrival of my wonderfully cute nephew!) I found myself feeling like a new person when I returned to Dallas this past weekend. In reflecting on this time, I realized how much family contributed to "refueling" my spirit. As I shared in my last post, I had been feeling quite disillusioned and empty for most of the last semester. I have recognized that I have some people in my life that are extremely draining and although I care very much about them, they are not people who equally invest into me. As a result, I felt completely wiped out...emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically...and didn't even really realize it.

However, during my time at home I was surrounded by "givers" instead of "takers" and I am not talking in terms of Christmas gifts necessarily. I really have the most wonderful family...very servant-hearted, generous, caring. For a whole week, I was able to rest and be around people who weren't constantly needing or demanding something for their own problems or desires. I was around people who want to help, who want to care, who want to do something to make MY life easier, instead of the other way around. And I think we all need that sometimes....we all need to be taken care of sometimes too. Not only did my family look out for me, but they jumped at the chance to look out for some of the people who are important to me here in Dallas that are going through some struggles. Without even personally having met most of these people, my parents and my brother cared enough about the people that I care about to really go out of their way to do some very generous things to help. My mom hand-pieced and sewed a baby quilt in two days for a young single mom with a newborn that I know here. My brother and my parents provided financially to assist a former student's family that is going through a tough time right now (my brother who is just coming out of a very difficult farming year and has a brand new baby, mind you!). My mom sent a Christmas package to the student in the mail full of goodies. My parents insisted that I not give them Christmas gifts but instead use the money to do something to help the family out. Then I got to go to church with them and hear two very encouraging messages and further witness all the good things that they are doing for others in the church and in the community. I got to visit with my grandparents who at almost 80 years old, volunteer regularly to serve meals at the Lighthouse Mission and help with clothing distribution at the HOPE Center in Clovis, which are just small parts of what they have contributed there over the past several years. My brother and my dad took the time to check over my car for me and made a few tweaks to save me the money of having to take it somewhere here in Dallas to get it checked out. They would all probably be embarrassed to have me broadcasting all of these things but it just meant so much to me and was so refreshing to me that I felt compelled to speak on it. The result was that I came back to Dallas renewed, refueled, and inspired to be more generous, more compassionate, and more purpose-driven in the year ahead. The support and concern I received from my family this past week meant so much to me...the fact that they would do so much for people they haven't met just because I care about them really touched me. I am truly thankful for the example and quiet generosity of my grandparents, parents, brothers, and sister-in-law and hope that I can be a good steward of what they invested and poured into me in the year ahead.


"A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed."--Proverbs 11:25

Something that Matters

I feel like I'm having the proverbial midlife-crisis. Only I've been having it for about 6 or 7 years now. Maybe longer. It may have started back when I was about 17 or 18 and people began asking me what I wanted to do with my life. It seems like I've never known without a shadow of a doubt what it is that I want to do or what I'm even good at doing. All I've ever known is that whatever I do, I want it to matter. I want to make a difference, somehow, someway. There was a period of time here in Dallas that I thought I was really starting to solidify in my mind how I was going to do that, but in recent months (or maybe recent years) I've kind of been struggling. I've been struggling to figure out what it is that I care most about, what I'm most passionate about. I've been struggling to identify what I'm good at, what my strengths are. Basically, I've just been struggling to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing on this earth. For almost a decade, I've been involved in education in some form or fashion, yet it seems like I've never quite found my "niche". To be honest, I've never really felt like I'm a "good" teacher when it comes right down to it. Teaching is an art form. It takes a real talent and I am being very honest when I admit that I don't really have it. I don't have the patience nor the creativity to be a really, really good teacher. Although my move into the library has allowed me the time and freedom to pursue some other things, I can definitely say that this job does not inspire any passion in me whatsoever. Looking back over the past several years, I think the most fulfulling job I had was during my time at the after school program. That was a time when I felt excited about my job, excited about what we were doing. Yet the world of nonprofit can be very unstable and very frustrating. And although making huge amounts of money has never been a priority for me, I do want to be able to make a salary that I can support myself comfortably on and not have to watch every penny every minute of every day. So where does that leave me?? It leaves me looking around the world I live in...seeing sweet girls I taught in sixth grade just 3 or 4 years ago having babies. Seeing boys that were just drawing me cartoon pictures and playing basketball with me on the blacktop dropping out of school and walking around with probation bracelets on their ankles. Tutoring kids who are in 5th grade and still don't know that two nickels make a dime (true story from yesterday). It leaves me working in a district where we put more time into creating an illusion that we are working for kids than we do actually working for kids. All of this disturbs me, but what do I do? What can I do? I'm stumped! I don't know what to do!! I don't know that I can make a meaningful difference in all this by teaching...I'm not sure I have that gift. I definitely don't know that I can make a meaningful difference by being a librarian....I feel more squelched than I ever have in my life right now...just checking off days, passing time right now. I'm about to finish up my second master's degree...I will have three degrees, none of which excite me or are really useful to me in getting me any closer to do something that I will feel inspired about doing. Every day...every night...my mind is constantly turning...searching....mulling...asking "What am I supposed to be doing? Where is my niche? Where is the place that I can really make a real, tangible difference? Where is the place that I can do something that really matters, that I can really be proud of when I look back over my life?"

Every now and then you meet people who are just confident about their career choices. They know with certainty what their life's mission is and they pursue it single-mindedly. I want that certainty! I want to know for certain that I am doing the thing I was born to do. That way I can stop spending all this time searching and put that energy into making the difference that I seek. But nothing has ever felt just quite right...is it me? Or is it that I truly haven't quite discovered my purpose? I mean, I do know what my purpose is...all Christians know what the purpose is. I guess I just need to know my particular avenue, my unique means to that end.

I know we can all make a difference right where we are at. I get that. I'm thankful for my jobs and the opportunities that I do have. But we only get to live this life one time. We only get a short period of time here....I want to love what I'm doing every day while I'm here. I want every day here to really, really matter. I don't just want to fill a space, but to make an impact! I don't just want to be busy...I want the busy-ness to be building something! I don't want just to live, but to be alive! People who know their purpose come alive. I'm just existing right now.

So yeah, I'm having a crisis. As usual. I know this is nothing anyone can help me with except by prayer. But I do pray that I come to know and understand what my strengths and gifts are and to know the specific purpose I was put on this earth and the best way and the best place to live all of that out...so that whenever I do leave this earth, it mattered. Is that too much to ask??

Forgiveness

At church on Sunday, the sermon was centered around the story of Philemon. To be honest, this is not a book in the Bible that I remember studying much or hearing much about, but last weekend I received a hearty meal from this book that I am still chewing on and digesting! It is a story that illustrates the grace that has been given to us by Christ (through the way that Paul was willing to take the debt for Onesimus' sin) and at the same time teaches us about the necessity of forgiveness. It is also is a testimony to the amazing way that God works things together for good. There were so many "aha!" moments and nuggets to process within these few short verses and so many things that I learned that I won't take time to go into, but I do want to share a few thoughts on this elusive, but life changing thing called forgiveness.

Relationships with people are difficult. People can really hurt us, wrong us, mistreat us, do us dirty. Sometimes we dwell so much on the flaws and shortcomings and sins of the difficult people in our lives and we think only of what they should do or change or what they owe us to make their wrong right. However, what I saw in this lesson about Philemon today was how God works through that to give us an opportunity to look within and grow ourselves, change ourselves. How crazy was it that Onesimus ended up in prison in Rome with Paul of all people...Paul who just happened to know his master Philemon? God worked it out so that not only did Onesimus have the chance to be forgiven and become a Christian, but at the same time he worked it out to give Philemon the opportunity to grow his character and demonstrate the same forgiveness and grace that had been given to him. There was a "reason for the season" in the time that Onesimus ran away from Philemon. Yes, he did wrong, but God picked up the mess and worked it for good to not only give Onesimus the opportunity to be saved but to give Philemon an opportunity to demonstrate forgiveness and grace on a whole new level. Every time someone in our life wrongs us or mistreats us...we have a choice. We can either get angry, hurt, upset, vindictive....or we can look within ourselves and ask...what am I supposed to learn about myself through this situation...what area of my own character can I develop through this situation...how can I show the same grace, forgiveness, and unmerited favor that has been shown to me? Forgiveness is such a beautiful, powerful thing....it just amazes me more the older I get and the more life I experience. We can't change people. We can't change the things that happen to us. We can't stop people from hurting us, disappointing us, or doing us wrong. But we can change how we respond to it. We can change whether we allow other people's issues to hold us back from growing our own character. Unforgiveness can be such a stronghold in people's lives...a cancer. I've seen it. We can allow the wrong that someone else did to give birth to wrong in our own hearts and lives. We can allow it to change us from being "full of love and faithfulness" (as Paul noted Philemon for) to someone else that's bitter or grudge-holding...but we have to remember that's not who we are....not really. It was like Paul started off his letter to Philemon with some gentle affirmations to remind him that he was a loving and faithful person...it's like he was reminding him that it's not "him" to be unforgiving or vindictive...and to not let his anger or disappointment toward Onesimus take that away from him. I'm reminded of a couple of quotes that I've heard before that have stayed with me. The first one is "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and then discover that the prisoner was you." Another one is "Unforgiveness is like allowing someone who has hurt you to live rent-free in your mind." The more I think about it, I think almost everything that happens in life comes back to this theme of forgiveness....of forgiving others so that we might be forgiven, and also that we might grow more into who we are meant to be. The preacher asked how many of us could afford not to be forgiven. No hands went up. Then he asked how many of us then could afford not to forgive others. Though a simple question, it was a profound and powerful moment. Whatever measure we use with others will be used on us....and goodness knows, I need forgiveness and a lot of it. So who am I not to extend the same grace to others, no matter what they have done or how deep the hurt?

I read such an amazing story in People magazine earlier this month. There was a woman whose teenage son was murdered by another young man in the midst of some kind of dispute. The young man was soon convicted and sentenced to quite a lengthy time in prison. But the grieving mother reached out to the young man who had killed her only son in prison with forgiveness and over time, the two ended up building a very special relationship. Now many years have gone by and the man has been released from prison, but he lives with the woman and has become like an adopted son to her. I was just amazed by that story. Now that is forgiveness and grace.

On that note, I encourage you to take a fresh look at the book of Philemon. It is such a short book that it may often be overlooked but there are some truly powerful lessons to be learned there. What is the meaning of life? I'm starting to think just maybe the meaning of life is forgiveness....what about you?

Quote

A hundred times a day I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give the same measure as I have received--Albert Einstein

Beware of Parking

Apparently there's a new racket to (legally) scam people out of money these days in Dallas. A friend of mine has been a victim of this scam twice in the past week alone and 3 times total in the past year. Apparently apartment complexes contract with tow companies to remove cars from their properties that are not in compliance with their policies. In the past, this usually meant cars that were abandoned, broken down, parked in fire zones, or otherwise detrimental to the value of the property. I can perhaps understand towing someone who is in a fire zone or parked in a spot that is clearly marked "reserved." However, the new trend seems to find the most nit-picky parking errors and tow the car without warning. Just a week ago, my friend squeezed into a small spot in his apartment complex and because the car beside him had not parked correctly, he was over the line. The next morning he walked out to go to work and found no car....towed because of "double space parking." That was a $163 mistake that also made him over an hour late to work. Last night, the same friend was visiting his brother in another apartment complex. His brother just moved in about a week ago and doesn't have a car, so he wasn't even aware of the policies regarding parking. Now, this complex had more than ample parking. There were literally hundreds of vacant parking places. There were no signs posted regarding prohibitions of parking nor were any of the parking spaces marked with any kind of labels indicating "visitor" or "resident." A couple of hours later, my friend walks outside to find his car missing...again. A call to the police led to the discovery that again his car had been towed. This time for "unauthorized" parking. Another $171 down the drain. It is infuriating because he had no idea he could potentially be parking in the wrong spot. There was no warning, no explanation. It's not like when you park in a fire zone or a handicap spot without authorization...you are at least aware of the risk. In both these cases, he had no idea you could even be towed for something as minor and petty as this. Apparently this complex requires a "resident sticker" and if you don't have a sticker, you have to park in "visitor" parking. The only problem was it wasn't clearly marked which spots were visitor or resident. After he was informed of this policy at the tow facility, he later drove around the complex and finally found a section of "visitor" parking that was nowhere near his brother's apartment...it wouldn't have been safe or convenient to park so far away from where he could keep an eye on the vehicle....especially when there were MORE than enough so-called resident spots near the apartment. I might could even understand if they were having an overcrowding problem, but this was not the case. This was clearly just a money-grab...very irritating. A few months ago, his car was towed for an expired inspection sticker, though it had only been out for a day or two. Legally they are supposed to provide a warning and give the resident time to correct the problem in instances like that, so since they did not provide a warning, he ended up getting his money back on that case, but not without a lengthy hassle. When he was picking up his car from the tow facility, there was another girl there who had just been towed from a parking garage after only 15 minutes in a "Future Resident Only" spot....mind you, it was 11pm on a Sunday night...the complex office wasn't even open to accept future residents at that time of night, so what was it hurting for her to park there? What was it hurting for my friend to park in an otherwise empty parking lot just because it didn't say visitor? Was that really worth punishing them with an almost $200 fine?

I think this is ludicrous that these complexes can create these arbitrary parking rules and not even inform visitors and residents about the policies and then tow you without warning. Legally they are allowed to do this, but I think it is very shady business. Fortunately for my friend, he was able to somewhat afford the unexpected expense, but what about people who are barely getting by financially? This could be a major blow to the budget....just to line someone else's pockets. If they aren't able to come up with the money, their car can be sold in an auction, which could further complicate their situation for getting to work and staying above water. I think it is a very unfair practice that needs to be addressed.